thatlostdog

2006 TEXANS SCHEDULE

2006-01-11T09:59:00.000-06:00

2006 TEXANS SCHEDULE
September 14................Taft Junior High School
September 21...............Cub Scout Troop #101
September 28................Houston Blind Academy
October 05.................Spanish American War Vets
October 12................ Crippled Children's Home
October 19............... Montgomery Mental Hospital
October 26................ Girl Scout Troop # 353
November 02.................Texas Venereal Disease Clinic
November 09.................Sugarland Boys Choir
November 16.................Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 08..................Cypress Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Texans must not disconnect knee braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Texans must not hide the football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Texans fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Texans will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Texans will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime.
4 - The Texans will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 - The Texans will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **
The Houston Texans will be changed to the "Houston Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

** COACHING CHANGES **
Dom Capers will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!

don not forward

2005-12-19T16:16:00.000-06:00

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to
all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel
safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every
time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or
Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email tracking program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician....

2005-12-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

scottish story

2005-11-21T11:13:00.000-06:00

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life" "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

great quote

2005-11-11T15:52:00.000-06:00

This was said about terrel owens Week 2 of the 2004 season,

"Let's say you have a buddy who's dating a crazy chick. You know she's crazy. Hell, he knows she's crazy. But everything is cool for a few weeks, to the point that people start saying, 'All right, maybe she really isn't crazy, maybe she's gotten her act together.' And then a few weeks pass … and she turns into a complete lunatic. She makes Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction' look like Mrs. Cleaver. Just like you thought. Your poor buddy can't get out fast enough. And you're looking back in disbelief that you suckered yourself into thinking this thing could work out. That's T.O. It's only a matter of time"

How right was he?

bra that can be heated in a microwave

2005-11-10T11:34:00.000-06:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20051109/lf_afp/afplifestylejapan;_ylt=Al4BLnIr1f969X9_rEaCvkis0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-

Colonoscopies

2005-11-10T11:13:00.000-06:00

Sent by doug
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
> his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> Colonoscopies:
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
> before!"
> >
> >
> > 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
> >
> >
> > 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
> >
> >
> > 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
> >
> >
> > 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
> >
> >
> > 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
> >
> >
> > 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
> >
> >
> > 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
> >
> >
> > 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
> >
> >
> > 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
> >
> >
> > 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
> >
> >
> > 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
> >
> >
> > And the best one of them all...
> >
> >
> > 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
> up there."
>

Does Evil Exist?

2005-11-07T13:35:00.000-06:00

>Does Evil Exist? > > > > The University professor challenged his students with this question. > > "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, > > "Yes >he did!" > > "God created everything?" The professor asked. "Yes sir", the > > student >replied. The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God >created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principal that >our works define who we are, then God is evil." The student became >quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, >boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian >faith was a myth > > Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question >professor?" "Of course", replied the professor. The student stood up >and asked, "Professor does cold exist?" "What kind of question is >this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students > > snickered at the young man's question. The young man replied, "In > > fact >sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we >consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object >is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is >what makes a body or matter > > have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460F) is the total absence > > of >heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that >temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe >how we feel if we have no heat." > > The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The > > professor >responded, "Of course it does." The student replied, "Once again you >are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality >the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we >can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study >the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A > > simple ray of light can break into a world of Darkness and > > illuminate >it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the >amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by >man to describe what happens when there is no light present." > > Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" > > Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already >said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's >inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. >These manifestations are nothing else but evil. To this the student >replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least is does not exist unto >itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and >cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God >did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does >not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes >when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light." > > The professor sat down. > > The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

World series

2005-10-21T11:47:00.000-05:00

So maybe I am not going to the game

http://cgi.ebay.com/2-WORLD-SERIES-TICKETS-GAME-3-HOUSTON-FIELD-SEATS_W0QQitemZ6571861031QQcategoryZ16122QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

D Box Design

2005-10-20T11:07:00.000-05:00

www.dbox.com
these guy's do some cool renderings and have a awsome website

The guy's side of the story

2005-10-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally - the guy's side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty darn accurate.) We always hear "The Rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

2005-05-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

chirac

Communist for Kerry

2005-03-31T11:35:00.000-06:00

http://communistsforkerry.com/